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Drug Scandal Rocks Pink Slipper!

The final bicycle race of this season for the FLCC has been marred by allegations of doping.

 The winner, Glenn Swan, was quoted as saying "Mark Rishniw’s performance was completely unexpected based on his previous races and his status as a B rider, and appears to be beyond his genetic potential." The Ithaca Police Department has issued a warrant for Rishniw’s arrest and his quarters will be searched for performance enhancing material. The weight loss Rishniw has experienced this season has lead to a suspicion of amphetamine use. Mr. Rishniw declined to give detailed commentary on the allegations, but did state that his weight loss this season had been due to simultaneous pursuit by two women with voracious appetites. His comments fueled even more spec-ulation about the use of Viagra as a performance-enhancing drug. The other riders are divided into two camps: those looking for sources of Viagra, and those looking for the women.

 Routine drug testing of the winner, Glenn Swan, revealed that his urine was not human. This has confirmed previous suspicions that Swan is indeed not from this planet. The USCF just announced a meeting to discuss an amendment limiting race entry to humans.

 The race organizers also fear that the excessively poor performance of the well-known rider Andy Melnychenko may have been due to unwitting consumption of a strong laxative, which had been slipped into his water bottle. Onlookers noted that little else could explain his protracted activities in the cornfield prior to the start of the race and subsequent direct deviation from the prescribed race route. He claims to have felt much more relaxed and comfortable on his bike once he finished his business and found the rest of the racers on the course…

The race organizers have emphasized that doping does not account for the poor performances of other riders with expensive gear and nice shorts whose finish places were directly in line with their lack of ability. Several riders who were burned off early by the fast and furious race pace were heard discussing their new winter training regimens and dietary supplements, which would be starting in a matter of weeks in order that they might reach their peak form in time for next year’s Pink Slipper race.

 Members of the five-man chase group that burned up the pavement (and the rest of the pack) during the desperate and futile attempt to respond to Swan’s attack on the Ellis Hollow south hill voluntarily submitted urine specimens for analysis to determine whether they had been secretly drugged with hallucinogens, because they all kept seeing a small spot on the horizon in front of them, and no matter how hard they pulled and how fast they rode, it never got any closer. They allege that the race never really happened and that it was all a collective conspiracy of the mind.

 Counseling is available to help competitors overcome the psychological consequences of this event and should help to diminish the perennial Ithaca problem of "gorge diving."

 More details are sure to emerge with time and we’ll keep you updated on the "Pink Slipper Scandal."

 By the way, Brian Keller and FLCC coach Tom Swensen are seeking cyclists to participate in a study of the effects of Creatine supplementation on cycling performance at Ithaca College. The
 Cornell College of Veterinary Medicine is also seeking cyclists as subjects for experimentation, but they have not
 yet disclosed what sorts of testing they have in mind.

 Any volunteers?

 They shoot horses don’t they?