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Then came this additional "news"…

Further Inquiries into Matters Surrounding the Pink Slipper Incident

More details have emerged about the allegations of doping which have threatened to tarnish the final bicycle race of this season for the FLCC. The drug-free status of a large number of FLCC members is now being questioned.

The results of blood and urine samples obtained to screen for growth hormone, insulin-like growth factor (IGF), Creatine, epiandrostenedione and EPO have yielded positive results in several riders.

 Samples obtained from Matt Miller have been determined to have excessive quantities of growth hormone. Under questioning Miller confessed that it has been hard to conceal the effects growth hormone has had on him. He was pulled in for questioning after ordering a 68-cm bike frame. Traces of the growth hormone like substance IGF, which is also known as "I Go Faster," have been detected in samples from another tall rider, Dan Fish.

 The detection of those substances in two oversized riders has fueled speculation that a height ban may be imposed on future cycle races. This would be similar to the ban imposed on riders with red-cell counts higher than PCV 50, to limit EPO abuse. A height limit
 of five foot seven and a half would seem an equitable cut-off point.

 Creatine and epiandrostenedione were found in the urine of two other club members. Under conditions of anonymity both subjects admitted consumption. Both stated that they were relieved to have been detected as they had become emotionally less stable, chewed excessive amounts of tobacco, and had started to run round baseball diamonds while under the influence of those substances.

 Natural substances have not escaped notice as performance enhancers. The last-minute decision of Cosmic Bob Shaw to withdraw from the race is almost certainly due to his previous conviction for garlic trafficking. The absence of Purple Basso Bob from the final race is also noteworthy.

 The drug-test center has cleared Ernie Bailes of drug offenses. The traces of the hair-growth promoter, minoxidil, detected in Bailes earlier this season are not considered to enhance cycling performance.

 Officials investigating the use of drugs in sports have indicated that they have attempted to infiltrate cycling clubs in the past. Early attempts of the Ithaca Police Department to infiltrate the FLCC were unsuccessful, however, as club members shunned the two 250-pound mustachioed riders called "Bubo" and their mountain bikes. Riders should remain vigilant to detect other interlopers.